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08 November 2008 @ 09:00 am
I came to the door, eyes maladjusted from the light  
Every time I want to make an entry, it ends up being about the same thing. And I'm sick of it. Of how my entire existence is occupied by just one thing, because until it's solved, nothing else matters. I'm so tired of having nothing else but one big problem standing between me and the rest of my hypothetical life that could have happened, but probably never will. I want to dream, I want to make plans, I want to have a future, I want to watch the same commercials as my friends, I want to care about economy without thinking how little impact it really has on me, I want to listen to my friends' problems without thinking "I'd trade with you any second", I want Christmas to suck just a little bit less, I want to be able to listen to this song without wanting to blow my brains out into the ceiling.
Everything that's happening in my life is insignificant. And I watch things fall apart around me, and it doesn't matter. None of this matters. I'm nowhere. This isn't life. And my real life has lost all momentum and seems unreal. No one remembers me, everyone moved on. None of the clothes I left behind smell like me anymore. I'm a ghost. A projection of an erased original. A copy of nothing. I laugh, I joke, I watch TV shows, I draw, I write shitty music and mediocre poetry, I maybe even make a momentary impact on someone's life, but in the long run, nothing I do matters to me. And they say a lot of people live like this, but they're fine with it, a lot of people live here, but they're meant to. And I'm not. Go ahead and tell me there are people who have it worse. People that starve, people that live out on the street, people that had half their brain blown off in a supermarket robbery. And I'll say what I always say. Problems are incomparable. It's not about what looks worse, it's about how you feel. People kill themselves over their dog dying, and it might look stupid to some, but it meant enough for them to end their lives because of it. And it really doesn't matter how it looks.
They say God is testing the best of us to make us strong and worthy.
Test failed.
Krystalsugar_beets on November 8th, 2008 07:31 pm (UTC)
That really, really sucks.

I really wish I could do something for you. Something that would actually matter.

And you are very right. Problems aren't comparable. Everyone feels differently about different situations after all.
Faiththelibertine on November 8th, 2008 10:35 pm (UTC)
Thank you.
Lizzielizzasaurus on November 9th, 2008 03:51 pm (UTC)
test not failed bb, you just have to stick it 'til the end okay? SAY YOU WILL.

and yeah, i kinda agree about problems being incomparable to each other because what might be small to you could be big to me and vice versa and whatnot. but it's a matter of perspective. your big problems could end up small to you if you see them through another persons' eyes, if ygwim.

Faiththelibertine on November 9th, 2008 08:43 pm (UTC)
Yeah, but I don't have any other person's eyes, so it doesn't matter. Besides, the truth is, my problems aren't really small. They could seem small to a total outsider, but put anyone else in my shows and they'll see this isn't small. Having your entire life taken away is not small. Living your worst nightmares is not small.
I can't promise you I'll make it out of this alive, stick out till the end, because I don't know where the end is and if there is one. Everyone has a threshold. I'm there.
Lizzielizzasaurus on November 10th, 2008 09:29 am (UTC)
i'll say a prayer for you.
Faiththelibertine on November 10th, 2008 09:18 pm (UTC)
Thank you.
la rêveusemerpatiputih on November 10th, 2008 12:53 pm (UTC)

Faiththelibertine on November 10th, 2008 09:18 pm (UTC)
Thank you.
dsotm70 on November 14th, 2008 10:14 am (UTC)
that was amazing poetry right there. so fuck you for saying mediocre.
Faiththelibertine on November 14th, 2008 10:23 am (UTC)
Wow, thank you. ^_^