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28 February 2009 @ 10:08 pm
I accept chaos, I'm not sure whether it accepts me.  
Just because I'm not chain-smoking, it doesn't mean I'm okay. I feel like the musicians from the 60s or 70s, or whenever it was, crushed by pressure, fucked up relationships and too many shows, confused by their own emotions, talking too deep for anything they're saying to make any sense, and throwing up at VIP parties. Except I'm not on the road playing shows like I wish I was. I keep telling myself my life has meaning, I'm a poet, I'm a writer, I will leave something behind, even if no one will ever see it. My life was important and my death will be tragic. Except I'm not creating anything anymore. I'm too burned out from the inside to be able to use any of the talents I have left. And I live in dreams because nothing I live for will ever happen. I survive because I pretend someday it'll all happen for me. But I've long passed the date of that someday. Youth is relative and it's a lie that you can still make it at any point. Every generation grows up faster, childhood is shrinking and you get less and less time to get where you want to be. And I wasted my time on this. This wasted my time, rather. I wasn't exactly participating.
I don't want to claim I have it worse than the hungry or the homeless, but the ones who think they understand only think so because they don't know everything. And those who know don't understand, because they just can't. Maybe they try, but they just can't wrap their minds around it. The truth is no one knows what I've lived with my whole life, and that no matter how fast I run or how well I hide, it would never leave me. It's something people write books about, but not the bestseller kind, but rather ones on psychology or history or tolerance or evolution or maybe just Wikipedia pages. The truth is the line "no one knows what I'm going through" disgusts me by its utter pretentiousness and pompous drama, but I don't know what else to say. It's too much for me to tell the people I love the most, but sadly the people I hate know because they were there. Maybe that's why I hate them. But they can't understand it, even if they say they do, because it doesn't fit into the design of their minds. Maybe I'm too ahead of my time. Maybe I just wasn’t meant to be.
They say heroes don't just accept the wrong and the unfair, they fight it. But the only ones praised are the ones that win. What do they do to the ones that lose?
Readmylettersreadmyletters on February 28th, 2009 11:32 pm (UTC)
I think you are meant for something. While it may not seem like it now, I think in given time it will swing your way. I honestly think you need to write a book. Write it Bukowski style. I would read it. I think your book would honestly have more substance to it than half of the shit that's out there.

And as for no one understanding your situation, the past week I've kinda been going through the same thing. Today I realized that I like it in a way. No one can tell my how something went down, how I'm supposed to feel, what I'm supposed to do, any of that. I know that you will be able to get through stuff. I know I don't know or understand, and never will, but I know that you have been able to help me with so much. I'm always here if you need to talk to someone.
Faiththelibertine on March 1st, 2009 07:38 pm (UTC)
I've written 2. XD But they'll never get published, because there's no way to publish my stuff under the circumstances, and I don't think the circumstances will ever change. Maybe they'll get published postmortem. But most likely they'll just die with me.

I'm glad you were able to find a positive side in the complexity of your situation. But I can't boast I'm capable of doing the same. The thing is, no one is able to understand my situation, because there was never a case in history, at least not a public one, when a person was in the same situation. People simply don't get it, they've never seen this before, so they think it's not real. So, I don't tell anyone, because I'm sick of proving myself. Thank you for being there for me though. (= It means a lot.
Readmylettersreadmyletters on March 6th, 2009 02:18 am (UTC)
You are so nuts in a fabulous way :D I want to read them. Not even shitting you.

That's why ya gotta prove to people it exists and you're not just bitching. Alot of people have been complaining about petty things lately, and in my English class yesterday I just got up and started screaming at all of them. It was a good 15 minutes rant and my teacher just let me go. I just basically told them my life story of the past like 5 months and about how as we were sitting there my grandpa was getting his leg chopped off and shit like that and they all just sat there like :| Holy shit. It was kinda epic for me because I got it all off of my chest to more than a couple of people. I just think though that if there is someone that you can talk to and that can help you through it, it makes the situation a little easier to deal with.
Faiththelibertine on March 6th, 2009 07:51 am (UTC)
Oh my ^_^, thank you. "nuts in a fabulous way" is such an amazing compliment. I can only hope someday I'll get published, but I really kinda doubt it. We'll see.

Yea, well, I tried that, and I'm kinda sick of it. I mean, back home some people at least tried, and at some point I even believed they got it, but then in the end it turned out they basically just pretended to understand it, perhaps to support me or because they loved me, but they never actually did get it, and it can really backfire once those people stop loving you. And here, people are so much more intolerant and far less emotionally evolved that no one even considers the possibility of me telling the truth and if I even say it out loud, they automatically assume I have serious mental issues and need help. Try telling someone you talk to dead people. That's not my case, my the reaction is about the same. Probably even worse, because some people actually believe in the paranormal, but no one ever heard about what's happening to me. And they either try to find an easy explanation or just automatically call me nuts. My own parents think I'm nuts. But my parents are assholes, so I guess that's not really a good example.
And I think it's amazing that you yelled at your class. I mean, I don't particularly care about how they felt because they're no one to me, but if that made you feel at least a little bit better, then I'm glad you did it. And maybe it gave some of them a perspective on how much worse things could be.
How is your grandpa? I know he can't exactly be fine, but I hope he's holding on.
Krystalsugar_beets on March 1st, 2009 08:06 am (UTC)
:( You are meant for something but I don't know what. Yes, it is unfair but their is a reason you are still here. Yes, it is sadistic and horrible but there has to be a reason and one day it will all be made clear.

And no, I don't really understand your situation so I feel as I fall into the latter but I know it pains you and that is enough to know.

No one truly understands what someone is going through anyway. Because everyone has different minds and take experiences in different ways.

As for those who lose, no statues aren't made of them and their tales aren't glorified but the losers are the ones who are mourned by the people who care about them instead of a million people who barely care. The loser gets the sincere emotions.

I'm not saying you are a loser because I don't believe you are but if one day, fate lets you have your way and you lose, I will be sure to mourn you.
Faiththelibertine on March 1st, 2009 07:46 pm (UTC)
"So make the best of this test and don't ask why, it's not a question but a lesson learned in time." I've always loved that quote. It really sums it up nicely. Everything happens for a reason, but that reason is only made clear when it doesn't really matter anymore. I just think I won't be here to see it. I think if I made it, all of this would make sense somehow. But I don't think I'll make it, because I'm just too tired and I feel like I've already used up all my powers and the fight ahead of me requires way too much. I don't think I really care why anymore. I know what I'm meant for, but maybe God or fate have other plans for me. And to be honest, I'm sick of being a pawn. If the only thing I can do to control my fate anymore is to off myself, that's what I'll do. At least I can fool myself that it was my own decision.

Your dedication means so much more to me than that of people that throw around I-love-yous without really meaning it or knowing what they're talking about. Knowing you would miss me and actually care if I'm gone makes me feel like my life wasn't all that useless after all.
la rêveusemerpatiputih on March 1st, 2009 09:55 am (UTC)
Everyone is meant for something and you are no exception.
One day you'll be able to look back and remember this time as a test.
I can't say things will get better for you but I have faith that it will.
Your name says it all, love. Faith. =)

Faiththelibertine on March 1st, 2009 07:49 pm (UTC)
Thank you. (=
But you see...this isn't the test. This, being here, now, the past 4 years. It's not the test. What I'm talking about is something I was born with, something way bigger than just these 4 years. There is something I will never be able to pass or eliminate, and that means my entire life is a test. And the only way I can look back on it and remember it as a test is die.
cousinryfy: pic#113817121cousinryfy on July 9th, 2012 05:40 pm (UTC)