I was cleaning my room today and I found expired condoms, so, of course, I blew one up into a balloon, drew a happy face on it and went out at 5am to hang it up on the tree near the bench where all the old ladies hang out. I just feel bad I'm not gonna see the reactions. Then again, the old ladies probably won't even know it's a condom.

( Meet Creamy (he's lubricated) )

I've recently realized (well, I've always known it, just never really pointed it out to myself, I guess) that everything I do, I take it really really seriously. Like I'm making something huge and important. Whether I'm thinking up a status message for AIM or writing a thread for a community no one is actually following... I always think of everything I do as something great. And it's not that I consider myself to be that amazing. On the contrary, I think I suck. I think I'm genius, but I suck. It's just that...I think that whatever you do, you have to do it like it's a masterpiece, or else you might as well not do it at all. I suppose that's why I'm always so terrified of people stealing my work. Because every word I write means the world to me.

Well, I have $9 in my iTunes account, which isn't enough for a full album or new movie, but there were some classics that cost $7. So, I've set my mind on 2 and had people help me choose. One of the movies beat the other like 5 Obamas over half a McCain, and people got me all hyped up, telling me how great it is and etc, etc. So, today, I go on iTunes, and guess what?
THEY CHANGED THE PRICE!
And now I can't buy it. I'm gonna go cry in a corner. Seriously.

It's my 4th marriage anniversary today. As far as I'm aware, I'm still married.

So, there's that meme, I don't remember what it actually says, but basically, you can ask me questions about things that would have been obvious if we saw each other every day, like my eye color and whatnot. Or ask whatever else you wanna ask. I don't guarantee I'll answer, but I'll try.

Got this from Mina.
1. Post ten quotes from ten of your favorite films. (I threw in some TV shows)
2. Get your flist to comment if they know what one is.
3. Strike it through when they've guessed correctly.
4. Strictly no Googling!
( Lets see how many people actually read my journal )

Just because I'm not chain-smoking, it doesn't mean I'm okay. I feel like the musicians from the 60s or 70s, or whenever it was, crushed by pressure, fucked up relationships and too many shows, confused by their own emotions, talking too deep for anything they're saying to make any sense, and throwing up at VIP parties. Except I'm not on the road playing shows like I wish I was. I keep telling myself my life has meaning, I'm a poet, I'm a writer, I will leave something behind, even if no one will ever see it. My life was important and my death will be tragic. Except I'm not creating anything anymore. I'm too burned out from the inside to be able to use any of the talents I have left. And I live in dreams because nothing I live for will ever happen. I survive because I pretend someday it'll all happen for me. But I've long passed the date of that someday. Youth is relative and it's a lie that you can still make it at any point. Every generation grows up faster, childhood is shrinking and you get less and less time to get where you want to be. And I wasted my time on this. This wasted my time, rather. I wasn't exactly participating.
I don't want to claim I have it worse than the hungry or the homeless, but the ones who think they understand only think so because they don't know everything. And those who know don't understand, because they just can't. Maybe they try, but they just can't wrap their minds around it. The truth is no one knows what I've lived with my whole life, and that no matter how fast I run or how well I hide, it would never leave me. It's something people write books about, but not the bestseller kind, but rather ones on psychology or history or tolerance or evolution or maybe just Wikipedia pages. The truth is the line "no one knows what I'm going through" disgusts me by its utter pretentiousness and pompous drama, but I don't know what else to say. It's too much for me to tell the people I love the most, but sadly the people I hate know because they were there. Maybe that's why I hate them. But they can't understand it, even if they say they do, because it doesn't fit into the design of their minds. Maybe I'm too ahead of my time. Maybe I just wasn’t meant to be.
They say heroes don't just accept the wrong and the unfair, they fight it. But the only ones praised are the ones that win. What do they do to the ones that lose?

Every time I want to make an entry, it ends up being about the same thing. And I'm sick of it. Of how my entire existence is occupied by just one thing, because until it's solved, nothing else matters. I'm so tired of having nothing else but one big problem standing between me and the rest of my hypothetical life that could have happened, but probably never will. I want to dream, I want to make plans, I want to have a future, I want to watch the same commercials as my friends, I want to care about economy without thinking how little impact it really has on me, I want to listen to my friends' problems without thinking "I'd trade with you any second", I want Christmas to suck just a little bit less, I want to be able to listen to this song without wanting to blow my brains out into the ceiling.
Everything that's happening in my life is insignificant. And I watch things fall apart around me, and it doesn't matter. None of this matters. I'm nowhere. This isn't life. And my real life has lost all momentum and seems unreal. No one remembers me, everyone moved on. None of the clothes I left behind smell like me anymore. I'm a ghost. A projection of an erased original. A copy of nothing. I laugh, I joke, I watch TV shows, I draw, I write shitty music and mediocre poetry, I maybe even make a momentary impact on someone's life, but in the long run, nothing I do matters to me. And they say a lot of people live like this, but they're fine with it, a lot of people live here, but they're meant to. And I'm not. Go ahead and tell me there are people who have it worse. People that starve, people that live out on the street, people that had half their brain blown off in a supermarket robbery. And I'll say what I always say. Problems are incomparable. It's not about what looks worse, it's about how you feel. People kill themselves over their dog dying, and it might look stupid to some, but it meant enough for them to end their lives because of it. And it really doesn't matter how it looks.
They say God is testing the best of us to make us strong and worthy.
Test failed.

It's just unbelievable how closed-minded people are still to this day. There are people that actually make fun of the idea of playing musical instruments left-handed and there are people who call themselves teachers that say they make their students play right-handed, both on drums and guitar, when the student specifically states they feel uncomfortable playing that way. Seriously, what the fuck is wrong with those people? This one dude said he has a left-handed son and he made the kid play right-handed. Someone said in a thread about left-handed guitars: "What next? Left-handed drums?" WTF man? Can't be a racist anymore, now you're gonna be left-handophobic? This is like centuries ago when left-handed people were burned along with witches because they were considered devil's offspring or something.
I'm not as much pissed about what people say, but the fact that there are still teachers out there that force their students to play backwards is just hurting my soul. Discrimination on the basis of handedness should be illegal. Now while I'll tell a shitty teacher like that to go fuck themselves, a lot of kids will just do what they are told and not only be uncomfortable and potentially far less skilled in the long run, but they also often lose interest in the instrument altogether 'cuz practicing is hard enough without having to fight against your instincts. It's pretty fucking sad that there are musicians out there that have to entrust their education to fucked up assholes like that.

Happy Left-Handers Day!

Special congrats to Asia, Mina, Chloe, Invi and anyone else I know but am stupid enough to still be unaware that they're lefties.

I won a plush puppy keychain in darts today.
And got 101 in bowling (stfu, my mom got like 50).
So yeah.

It's my 3rd marriage anniversary today. Pretty fucking sad, huh?

The Living End released a new song.

When I was a freshman/sophomore (can't remember) in high school, I wrote an essay about Led Zeppelin for my English class. That has nothing to do with anything, I just needed the third statement on this entry.

There was a snow storm here a few days ago. You can see little bumps in the snow outside my window that are actually cars. Looks awesome.


My cat is PMSing.

I’m running after you, my past,
And yet I run the other way.
I’m holding on to you so tight,
And yet you always slip away.
The changes made by someone else
Unkindly leave me with no choice,
And stuck in my old misery
I sit and watch as you rejoice.
I watch familiar fields go blank
To then be filled with something new,
I watch the crowd that laughs and cries
And shifts its fragile point of view.
But I’ll ignore what others say,
Ignore the rumors, fights and feud,
I’ll simply watch you in your flight
And hope you keep your altitude.

So, today I decided to clean up some parts of my room. I found some really weird shit. Postcards, letters, pictures. My old poetry. Some of it makes me sick now, I was one sad kid. Not angsty, just sad, and overly melodramatic. But some of that poetry actually isn't that bad. I have absolutely no recollection of writing it, but I know it's mine.
I found brochures and leaflets, a huge map of London and a huge map of Britain back from my trip to the UK. I have tickets to all kinds of places, subway passes, a theater guide, a ticket to the London Eye and Madame Tussauds, and an unused food voucher for £4.20!

( Ode to simplicity )
My mom brought a small ugly plastic Christmas tree home and put it on the TV. It's endlessly repulsive. The cat loves it though.
So, merry Yulechristmakwanzanukkah and happy New Years everybody! Pull out your best drugs and have a party!
( I hate snow in all of its whiteness, coldness and uniqueness. )

My back hurts, so I can't move my neck. My mom killed the computer mouse. My cat just went out of a 7-day heat.
( Geometry was never among my strengths )
Invi:
But please, tell them you're MINE.
Write 'property of Invi' on your face and take a pic of that.
And i'll show it to people and they'll think it's Ryan Ross and they'll be all "OMG INVI OWNS RYAN ROSS"
And i'll be all "Duh, yeah, wanna borrow him? AHAHA YOU CAN'T, SUCKER, RYRO IS MINE"
And they'll be all
and I'll be all
and then i'll fuck you senseless.
the end.

( Također me zanimaju mačke )


I'm sure other things have happened in the past 2 weeks, but I can't remember them.

P.S. Of erections, how few are domed like St.Peter's! of creatures, how few vast are the whale!
Herman Melville - Fucking! up your grammar since 1851.

I found my USB cord.

( This is what happens when I'm bored Part 2 )

This is what happens when I'm bored:



AND I've been doing the Guilty Pleasure dance all day long. Even made my mom watch the video, now she's singing the song. o_o;

I haven't eaten since the day before yesterday.